


hello, my treacherous friends

by hihoplastic



Series: DW Tumblr Prompts/Reposts [12]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-24 06:05:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hihoplastic/pseuds/hihoplastic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gritting her teeth, she finally looks over at the Doctor who’s been working, or trying, in the next row over.  Sitting on his tweed jacket, he’s covered from head to toe with dirt—it’s smeared over his forearms where his sleeves are rolled up, across his forehead and even some behind his ear.  She has to admit, he looks delectable, even as he struggles to push his plant into the dirt.  She barely stifles a laugh when it lashes out and bites his hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hello, my treacherous friends

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Radiolaria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radiolaria/gifts).



> \- title from ok go's _hello my treacherous friends_  
>  \- for onaperduamedee on tumblr, who requested "planting carnivorous flowers in order to restore the ecosystem on a faraway planet" ♥

“Ow!” 

River keeps digging a deep, narrow hole in the soft dirt. It’s warm, but not stiflingly so; the breeze keeps blowing her curls into her face, but she doesn’t mind so much. Next to her, her flower purrs, and she occasionally takes a break to pet the bulb gentle. 

“Ow!” 

Taking a deep breath, she tries to concentrate. Satisfied the soil will hold, she lays down the spade and carefully lifts the plant at the roots and settles it into the hole, so the stem and bulb are still above ground. The plant wriggles, but eventually settles down, and nibbles at her blouse where it falls away from her breasts. 

“No,” she murmurs, “You can’t eat that.”

The plant whines, but releases the fabric to nudge at her shoulder. River chuckles and strokes the stem. 

“Ow! No! Bad planty!” 

Gritting her teeth, she finally looks over at the Doctor who’s been working, or trying, in the next row over. Sitting on his tweed jacket, he’s covered from head to toe with dirt—it’s smeared over his forearms where his sleeves are rolled up, across his forehead and even some behind his ear. She has to admit, he looks delectable, even as he struggles to push his plant into the dirt. She barely stifles a laugh when it lashes out and bites his hand. 

“No!” he hisses, still trying to be quiet. “Stop that! You need to go in the ground!” A pause. “Yes, I know it’s new soil, but it’s nice, I promise! See?” He holds out a handful of dirt. The plant bites him again. “Oi!” Another pause. She ducks her head just as he looks over, and watches him out of the corner of her eye as he studies her before turning back to the planet. “Yes,” he mutters, “I know your friend looks happy with her but she’s busy right now so you’re stuck with me.” The Doctor huffs. “I know she’s prettier, but I’m afraid you’ll have to—” He lets out a strangled gasp. “That’s my wife you’re talking about!” 

The plant growls and the Doctor puts his hands on his hips. “No, no, there are some things I just won’t tolerate. You have to go in the ground and I have to put you there, so if you would just stop. Biting. Me—ow!” 

Finally caving to the pitiful look on his face, and the way he shoves his finger in his mouth to soothe the bite, River dusts her hands on her jeans and stands up, patting her plant one more time before moving over to where the Doctor sits, dejected. 

“Everything okay, sweetie?” she asks, trying to keep the knowing lilt from her tone. 

He looks up at her with a grin. “Perfect, Song! Just getting to know my little friend here. We’re great pals, aren’t we?” He moves to pat the bulb, and the plant bares its teeth. “Okay, not so much pals as...acquaintances.” 

Taking pity on him, River crouches down and slowly extends her hand, palm up, toward the plant. It curls back on itself, teeth showing. 

“He’s in a mood today,” the Doctor supplies. 

But River just waits patiently. “It’s all right,” she says, “I won’t hurt you. Neither will he, he’s just a bit clumsy, that’s all.” 

The Doctor frowns, but watches in delight as the plant slowly inches forward. The nostrils on its head expand and it turns this way and that, before finally nudging River’s hand and allowing her to stroke it gently. 

“There, see? We’re not so bad.”

The plant purrs in agreement. 

“How did you do that?” Eagerly, he goes to pat one of the leaves, and the plant hisses, thorns raising. 

“Slow, sweetie. They’re very cagey creatures, the Aldrovans. You have to coax them.” Taking his wrist, she moves his hand slowly toward the plant, and then holds it a few inches away. 

The Aldrovan hesitates, snarling at the Doctor. 

“It’s useless,” the Doctor moans. “Carnivorous plants hate me.” 

“They don’t hate you, sweetie. You’re just...flighty. All those quick limbs—they assume you’re prey.” 

Sure enough, the plant slowly moves toward the doctor, sniffing his hand and arm before nudging him. River releases his wrist with a smile. “See? You can pet him now.” 

Hesitating, the Doctor carefully strokes the stem, and lets out a giggle when the Aldrovan hums contentedly. 

“How do you know so much about them?” he asks quietly, as if afraid to disturb the creature. 

River shrugs. “I did a biology term at Luna—we covered a range of species, including carnivorous plants, and I’ve run into them on a few digs since then.” 

He laughs softly as the Aldrovan abandons him for River. “Only you would make friends with a flesh eating plant.” 

“And only you would agree to spend the entire day planting them when you know they dislike you.”

He gasps. “They do not!” A pause. “Well. The Drosophies do.” He shudders at the memory. “Nearly lost a hand.” 

“Not the right one, I hope.”

He pauses to consider. “Actually I think it was the—River!” He blushes profusely. “You can’t just—just— _say_ things like that!” He moves to cover the non-existent ears on the Aldrovan, stage-whispering. “ _They can hear you!_ ”

River rolls her eyes. “Even if they could, sweetie, I doubt they’d mind.”

As if to support her theory, the plant hums louder, and the Doctor glares. River smiles and stands up, much to the distress of the planet, and surveys the garden. 

“We’ve still got quite a bit of work to do, and it’s getting late. We should probably split up,” she says, at the same time he declares, 

“We should stick together, then.” River arches an eyebrow, and the Doctor struggles to his feet, using her arm to hoist himself up. “I’ll calm them down, and you can dig the holes! We’ll tag-team.”

“ ‘Tag-team?’ ”

“Yeah.” He straightens his bowtie with a grin. “Tag-teams are cool.” Without giving her a chance to decide, he grabs her hand and drags her over to the next plant, a large, bitter looking creature who hisses at them the moment the step near. “On second thought,” he mutters, “You woo, and I’ll dig.” 

“Woo?”

He nods a head toward the Aldrovan they just left. “Well Bitey over there seemed quite entranced.” 

River snorts. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous of a plant.”

“Of course not!” He stiffens beside her. “It’s not their fault they have a great view.” He looks down at her cleavage, up at her face, down, back up again, and then pales. “I mean—no! That’s not—I just—” He waves his arms and stumbles, nearly kicking the plant, and River grabs his arms to steady him, laughing. 

“You ridiculous idiot,” she murmurs. Leaning in, she presses a soft, slow kiss to his cheek before pulling back and lowering herself to the ground. “If I realised all I had to do was flash you, we could have been done hours ago.” 

The Doctor straightens. “Yes, well, I’m not _that_ easily distracted, and—are you talking to the plant? River!” 

He dives down, positive he saw her hand reach for the top button of her blouse, and sends them both careening into the dirt. His hand winds up over her chest, pressing her shirt down, and River yelps as the startled Aldrovan snaps at her hair and tugs. 

“Doctor!” 

He panics, scrambling up, and starts thumping the plant with his jacket, trying to get it to let go. Around them, the rest of the plants have noticed the commotion and start hissing, baring their teeth. 

“Not helping, sweetie!” 

He stops abruptly, dancing out of the way as one of the nearby plants lunges for his ankle. River rolls free and jumps to her feet. The Doctor blushes and scratches his cheek. 

“I think we’d better—”

“Absolutely.”

Grabbing her hand, they make a run for the TARDIS. 

“What are we going to tell the Aldrovanian Minister?”

“Eh, maybe he won’t notice!” 

“ _Doctor!_ ”

Jumping over the last row of angry plants, the Doctor dives for the TARDIS doors and quickly shoves her inside before bolting the doors behind him. Breathing heavily, he leans against the solid wood and cracks one eye open. 

As he suspected, River is glaring at him, arms folded across her chest. 

He points a finger at her. “You started it.” She doesn’t waver. “Okay,” he admits. “I started it. River—”

Stepping forward, she places a finger over his lips. “You’re the only one I flash, sweetie,” she says, and though the words make him want to laugh and the scenario makes him blush, her tone is so sweet, her fingers so gentle against his neck where she straightens his bowtie, that he can do nothing but smile. 

“As it should be,” he murmurs, hands settling on her waist and drawing her closer. 

“In fact,” she says, takes his hand and places it at her breast, just over the first button. 

They don’t say much else after that.


End file.
